The Unnamed Gap
Most women who come to me can say what happened, the divorce, the diagnosis, the day their last child drove away, the moment they walked out of their office for the last time. They can name the event. They've said it out loud. They've answered, "How are you doing?" a hundred times with a version of the story.
What they haven't named is who they were before it happened and who they're not sure they are anymore. That's the real gap, and it's exactly why you can go months, sometimes years, feeling like you're moving through a life that doesn't quite fit. Today, we're closing the gap.
Welcome and Free Resource
Welcome to the Flourishing After Adversity podcast. I'm your host, Laura Mangum Broome. If you've been knocked down by life--grief, illness, loss, or unexpected change, you're in the right place. Here, we turn setbacks into stepping stones because healing, growth, and joy are not out of reach. They're waiting for one small brave step.
Before we begin, if you ever feel overwhelmed by negative thoughts after a setback, caught in loops of worry, self-doubt, or mental exhaustion, I created a free resource for you called Reframe the Spiral: 5 Quick Coping Strategies to Shift Negative Thoughts and Reclaim Your Day. You'll find the link in the show notes.
Now, let's take a breath together and begin.
Laura’s Story and Six Steps
I'm familiar with today's topic because I lived it. Through losing my son, through breast cancer and a heart transplant, through divorce, I've had to learn more than once that I couldn't rebuild my life until I was willing to name exactly what I'd lost. Not just the events, the woman I was before them. Today, I want to give you a piece of that work. Six action-oriented steps, three to help you name the loss, transition, or change you've been resisting, and three, to help you release the grip it has on your daily life.
Event vs Real Loss
Before we get to the steps, I want to be direct about something because it's the distinction that makes everything else possible. Naming the event isn't the same as naming the loss. "I got divorced," is the event. I lost the identity I built for twenty years as a wife, partner, half of something I believed in," that's the loss. "I retired," is the event. "I lost the structure, the purpose, and the confident answer to, 'What do you do?' that I'd relied on for three decades," that's the loss.
When you only name the event, you process the surface. When you name the loss underneath it, the identity, the purpose, the future you thought you were building, you get to the root. And the root is what's been running your daily life without your permission
Here's what I see a lot of the time: Women who've been "adjusting" to their divorce for three years, women who've been "figuring things out" since their last child left home. Women who say they're fine after a health crisis that's fundamentally changed who they are. They're not stuck because they're weak. They're stuck because no one ever asked them to name what they actually lost, not the situation, but the self.
Vague language keeps you stuck. Examples can be adjusting, going through something. It's been hard. When you can't specifically name what happened to you, you can't grieve it properly, and when you can't grieve it, you can't move through it. You just keep dragging it with you, wondering why you feel so heavy. This episode empowers you to name it.
Question to Reflect On
Before we go further, sit with one question. Have I named what happened or have I named what I actually lost? The identity, the purpose, the future I was building. You don't need to answer it fully right now. Just reflect on it
Let's get to work.
Step 1 Get Specific
The first three steps are about naming it clearly, really clearly.
Step 1: get radically specific. The first step is to stop using soft general language and get specific. Not, "Things have been hard," not, "My life has changed a lot," and not, "I've been going through something." What specifically changed? What specifically did you lose?
This matters because grief and resistance attach to specifics. You don't miss your marriage. You miss having someone to talk to at the end of the day. You miss the version of yourself who felt chosen. You miss the future you thought you were building together. You don't grieve the empty nest in the abstract. You grieve the quiet Sunday afternoons, the texts that used to come in throughout the day, the reason you had to make dinner every night. Specificity is where the truth lives.
Let's put it in action. Sit down with pen and paper or your phone and write this sentence at the top: "What I've actually lost is..." and fill it in as many times as it takes. Keep going past the obvious answer. Keep writing until you get to the one that makes your chest tighten. That's the real one. Don't rush this. It might take ten minutes. It might take an hour. Give yourself time.
Step 2 Identity Shift
Step 2: Acknowledge the identity shift. Here's what most people miss. It's rarely just about what happened. It's about who you were before it happened and who you're not sure you are anymore.
Widowhood doesn't just take a person. It takes the identity of being someone's partner, someone who was known, chosen, and woven into another person's daily life. That self doesn't have anywhere to go when that relationship ends. A serious health diagnosis doesn't just change your body.
It ends the identity of the woman who had plans, who felt capable, who believed she had time. The loss of that certainty is its own kind of grief. Divorce, retirement, an empty nest, an unexpected career loss, every one of these is also an identity shift, and you can't move through the change until you're willing to grieve the self you left behind.
Let's put it in action. Ask yourself honestly, "Who was I before this happened? And who am I no longer sure I am?" Write it out. Be honest. This isn't about staying in that grief. It's about acknowledging it clearly so you can begin building something new from a real foundation, not a pretend one.
Step 3 Say It Out Loud
Step 3: Say it out loud. There's something that happens when you move a thought from inside your head to out in the open air. It becomes real. It loses the distorted, amplified quality that things have when they live only in your mind, and it becomes something you can actually work with. I know this feels vulnerable. I know it feels like saying it out loud makes it more true more permanent. It doesn't. It was always true. Saying it out loud just means you're finally willing to deal with it. You don't have to say it to a crowd. You don't have to share it publicly. Say it to a trusted friend, a therapist, a coach, even just to yourself, out loud, in a room alone with no one listening.
Let's put it in action. Take the most honest answer you wrote in Steps 1 and 2 and say it out loud. Use the "I" language. I lost my sense of purpose when my kids left. I've been resisting the truth that my marriage ended years before the divorce did. I'm grieving the healthy body I had before my diagnosis. Say it once, then say it again. Notice what shifts
Release the Grip
Naming it is the first part. The second part, and honestly, the part most people never get to, is releasing the grip it has on your day-to-day life. Because that grip is real. It shows up as chronic overwhelm, decision fatigue, low-grade sadness, irritability, disconnection, that persistent sense that you're present in your life, but not actually living it.
That's what unprocessed loss does to a person. Here's how you start to loosen it.
Release Step 1 Two Columns
Step 1: Separate what was lost from what you still have. When you're in the middle of a loss or major life change, your brain has a habit of catastrophizing. What was lost starts to feel like everything was lost. The grief of one thing bleeds into every corner until it's hard to see what's still whole, what's still yours, what's still working.
This isn't a gratitude exercise. I'm not asking you to focus on the positives. I'm asking you to draw a clear line between what changed and what didn't, because that line matters for your recovery.
Let's put it in action. Draw two columns on a piece of paper. Label the first, "What I lost" or "What changed." Label the second column, "What I still have" or "What stayed." Fill in both sides honestly. The second column isn't meant to minimize the first. It's meant to give you the full picture, because rebuilding happens from what you still have, not from what's gone. When you can see both sides clearly, the loss stops feeling all-consuming. It has edges, and things with edges can be worked with.
Release Step 2 Decisions Lens
Step 2: Identify one way the loss is running your decisions today. This is a step most people struggle with because it requires real honesty, but it's also one of the most liberating things you can do. When you carry unprocessed grief or unacknowledged change, it quietly starts making your decisions for you. The woman who lost her marriage stops trusting her own judgment. The woman who lost her career identity stops raising her hand for new opportunities. The woman who lost her health confidence stops making plans more than a week out. The loss becomes the lens everything gets filtered through, and most of the time, you don't even realize it's happening.
Let's put it in action. Ask yourself, in what area of my life am I playing small, holding back or avoiding? And is that connected to what I named in Steps 1 through 3? Be specific. "I haven't made any social plans in six months. I've been turning down opportunities. I stopped setting goals because I don't trust that things will work out." Name that behavior. Trace it back to the loss. That's not self-blame, it's self-awareness, and self-awareness is where change starts.
Release Step 3 One Small Step
Step 3: Take one small concrete step toward what's next. Here's what I've learned. Releasing the grip doesn't happen in a single moment of insight. It happens in a series of small actions taken in the direction of who you want to be next. This is where a lot of healing falls short.
We get to the insight, and then we stay there. But insight without action just becomes more rumination. You need a next step. The step doesn't have to be big. In fact, it's better if it's small. Small steps are completable. Completed steps build evidence. Evidence builds trust in yourself, in your ability to rebuild, and the possibility that what comes next can be good.
Let's put it in action. Ask yourself, "What is one small action I could take this week that would move me toward the life I want to be living, rather than away from the life I've already lost?" Write it down. Be specific. The day, the time, exactly what you'll do, then do it. One action is the beginning of your next chapter. It's not everything. It's just the first step, and the first step is all you need right now.
What This Work Feels Like
I want to be honest with you about what this work feels like. It's not comfortable. Naming what you've been resisting and looking directly at the way it's shaped your choices, that takes courage. There will probably be tears. There may be anger. There will almost certainly be a moment where you want to hit pause, go make yourself a snack, and come back to this later. Do the work anyway, because on the other side of this discomfort is something that most women I work with describe as relief. Not joy, not right away, but relief.
The relief of finally saying the true thing. The relief of not carrying it alone anymore. The relief of knowing exactly what you're dealing with so you can deal with it. That relief is the beginning of rebuilding, and rebuilding is possible.
I know it's possible because I've done it through losing my son, through breast cancer, through a heart transplant, through a divorce after twenty-seven years of marriage and one month after my transplant. For a long time, I kept my calendar full, showed up for everyone around me, volunteered in the community, and even wrote my book, Flourishing After Adversity, while still carrying things I hadn't fully named myself.
Writing that book uncovered the reality. I've had to name loss after loss after loss and find my way back to myself each time. I didn't do it by moving on. I did it by moving through, and moving through starts with exactly the six steps I just shared with you.
Recap and Your Next Move
Let's recap what we covered today. Naming the event isn't the same as naming the loss. The event is what happened. The loss is the identity, the purpose, and the future underneath it, and when it goes unnamed, it quietly runs your daily decisions, your energy, and your ability to move forward.
Three steps to name it: Get radically specific about what you actually lost, not just what happened. Acknowledge the identity shift. Who were you before this, and who are you no longer sure you are? And say it out loud using the "I" language to someone you trust or just to yourself.
Three steps to release the grip: Separate what was lost from what you still have. Rebuilding starts from what's still there. Identify one way the loss is running your decisions today. You can't change what you can't see. And take one small concrete step toward what's next. Action is what turns awareness into forward motion. Your action step, go back to the put it in action moment that hit you hardest today. That's your starting point. Spend five minutes with it before the day is over.
If you're somewhere in the middle of the hardest chapter of your life, I want you to hear this. You're not behind, and you're not broken. You've been carrying something that was never given a real name, and you can't move through what you won't name. But now you have the steps and you're empowered to start.
Begin Again Workshop Invite
If you're thinking, "I need more than a podcast episode to get through this," you're right, you do, and that's okay. That's exactly why I created the Begin Again™ Workshop. In less than two hours, we go deep on the work of naming what's changed, acknowledging who you've been carrying it as, and taking your first real steps toward who you're becoming next.
It's hands-on, honest, and designed specifically for women who are ready to stop managing their pain and start moving through it. Seats are limited intentionally. This isn't a big anonymous webinar. It's a small, focused space where real work gets done. The link is in the show notes. If this episode helped you, please share it with three people who need to hear it today.
Leave a review and connect with me at iCope2Hope.com. And don't forget to grab your free guide, Reframe the Spiral: 5 Quick Coping Strategies to Shift Negative Thoughts and Reclaim Your Day. That link is in the show notes too.
Final Encouragement and Sign Off
You've already done the brave thing by listening to this so far and sitting with these questions. The next brave thing is showing up and doing the work in community. You're right where you need to be. Growth happens one step at a time.
Until next time, adversity can make you bitter or better. Choose better! You've got this!
