S2:E32 When Life Falls Apart, Your Values Can Lead You Back

Find Yourself Again: Reconnecting With Your Core Values After Life Changes

Laura Mangum Broome welcomes listeners to Flourishing After Adversity and explains that feeling lost after grief, illness, loss, or unexpected change often comes from identity disruption when central roles end. Drawing from her own experiences (losing her son, cancer, heart transplant, her father’s death, and divorce), she shares how reconnecting with core values—not goals or external roles—restores an internal compass for decisions and boundaries. 

She defines values as principles shaping how you want to live and introduces the Values Compass™ from Phase 1 (Radical Acceptance) of the iCope2Hope System™, along with a guiding question about whether choices move you closer to the life you want. She offers four ways to rediscover values (pain, what brings life, resentment, and what life should stand for) and six questions to make values-led decisions, plus a five-minute journaling action step, a free guide, and invitations to a workshop and iCope2Hope.com.

00:00 Feeling Lost Again
00:24 Welcome and Free Guide
01:15 My Identity Disruption
02:40 Why Values Matter
05:36 What Values Are
07:11 Build Your Values Compass
09:27 Four Ways to Rediscover
11:47 Six Decision Questions
14:26 Two Daily Anchors
15:04 Recap and Next Steps
16:13 Closing Encouragement
16:41 Share and Workshop Invite

Free Resource: Reframe the Spiral: 5 Quick Coping Strategies to Shift Negative Thoughts and Reclaim Your Day https://www.icope2hope.com/reframe

Begin Again™ Workshop — https://www.icope2hope.com/the-begin-again-workshop 

Move Beyond AdversityBlog — https://www.icope2hope.com/blog

Free Newsletter — Wednesday’s Resilient Recharge: https://www.icope2hope.com/newsletter

Schedule a free 15-minute Clarity Call with Laura: https://bit.ly/15mincallLMB

Website — iCope2Hope: From Hardship to Hope: https://www.icope2hope.com

Transcript

Feeling Lost Again

If you've been feeling lost, not lost like you don't know where you are, but lost like you're not sure who you are anymore, this episode is for you.  Because today, I want to share something that changed the way I make decisions, set boundaries, and move forward. Your values didn't disappear when your life changed. They're still in you, and they can lead you back.

Welcome and Free Guide

Welcome to the Flourishing After Adversity podcast. I'm  your host, Laura Mangum Broome. If you've been knocked down by life--grief, illness, loss, or unexpected change--you're in the right place. Here, we turn setbacks into stepping stones because healing, growth, and joy are not out of reach. They're waiting for one small, brave step. 

Before we begin, if you ever feel overwhelmed by negative thoughts after a setback, caught in loops of worry, self-doubt, or mental exhaustion, I created a free resource for you called Reframe the Spiral: 5 Quick Coping Strategies to Shift Negative Thoughts and Reclaim Your Day. You'll find the link in the show notes. 

Now, let's take a breath together and begin. 

My Identity Disruption

I want to start with something personal.  After everything I've been through over a five-year period--losing my son, fighting cancer, surviving a heart transplant, losing my father, and going through an unexpected divorce--I kept waiting to feel like myself again.

I gave it time. I stayed busy. I told myself I was fine. And I still woke up every morning feeling like a stranger in my own life.  The problem wasn't that I hadn't healed enough. The problem was that I'd spent so many years organizing my life around other people and other roles as a mother, a wife, a caregiver, a patient, that I had completely lost touch with what I actually valued.

When those roles changed or disappeared, I had no internal compass left.  Every decision felt like a guess. Every choice felt like a risk with no standard to measure it against.  What finally started to shift things wasn't more time. It was getting honest about my values. Not a bucket list, not a vision board. My core values, the principles underneath everything, the part of me that hadn't disappeared even when everything else did. That's what today is about. 

Why Values Matter

Let's talk about what happens to your sense of self after a major life change, because I think most of us underestimate just how much a single role can anchor our entire identity.  Researchers who study identity disruption after loss describe it this way. When a central life role ends, a marriage, a career, parenthood as you've known it, it doesn't just remove one piece of your life. It can collapse the entire structure you've been using to make meaning, decisions, and plans.

That's why so many women in midlife feel not just sad, but directionless. Not just grieving, but genuinely unsure of who they are.  And here's the part that matters most. Studies consistently show that people who reconnect with their core values during or after adversity make better decisions, recover their sense of self more quickly, and report significantly higher levels of meaning and purpose in the chapters that follow.  Values aren't soft. They aren't a nice-to-have.  They are the architect of your identity. And when the house falls down, they're what you build the next one from. 

So let's talk about how to find them again and how to actually use them.  After a significant life change, divorce, widowhood, an empty nest, a health crisis, a career shift, it's incredibly common to feel unsure about what you want next.

That confusion isn't weakness. It's a natural consequence of how most of us have been living.  For years, maybe decades, you organized your life around something outside yourself, a marriage or partnership, a family role or caregiving responsibility, a career identity, a loved one's needs, a diagnosis that demanded every ounce of your energy just to survive.

When that role changes or disappears, you don't just lose the role. You lose the framework that was helping you make the decisions, the structure that told you where to be, what to prioritize, and what success looked like.  Somewhere along the way, you stopped asking what you actually wanted.   That's what happens when life asks everything of you and you give it.

But now something new is being asked of you, not just to survive the change, to decide who you want to be on the other side of it. That's harder work, and it requires a different kind of anchor.  Before we go further, I want you to sit with one question:  What role have I been living from, and who am I without it?  You don't need to answer it fully right now, just reflect on it. 

What Values Are

Before we talk about reconnecting with your values, I want to get clear about what values actually are.

Values are the principles that shape how you want to live, make decisions, treat people, and use your time. They are not goals to achieve. They're not rules you must follow. They're not a performance standard you have to meet before you're worthy.  They reflect what's most important to you at your core.

Think about words like integrity, freedom, connection, growth, faith, peace, creativity, service, courage, family, adventure, simplicity,  and authenticity.  Your values aren't aspirational labels. They're the honest answer to the question, "What do I believe matters most,  and does how I'm actually living reflect that?

For a lot of women I work with, reconnecting with values feels almost foreign.  They've spent so long accommodating the needs of others, spouses, children, employers, caregivers, that they've lost easy access to their own internal compass.  Here's what I need you to hear: Your values haven't disappeared. They were buried under grief, under responsibility, under fear, under survival mode.

But they're still there, and they're waiting for you to come back to them. 

Build Your Values Compass

Let's put it in action.  What values are?  Write down three words that describe how you want to live, not how you've been living, not what others expect, just what feels most true to you right now.  Don't overthink it.  Your first answers are usually your most honest ones.

In Phase 1 of the iCope2Hope System™, which I call Radical Acceptance, one of the most transformative tools we work with is the Values Compass™.  Think of an actual compass. It doesn't tell you every turn you'll take. It doesn't give you a detailed map or warn you about every obstacle ahead. It doesn't promise a smooth path.

What it does is it keeps you pointed in the right direction, even when the terrain is unfamiliar, even when visibility is low, even when you're exhausted and unsure.  Your Values Compass™ works the same way. It's your own set of anchor values, the three to five principles that feel most essential to who you are right now,  That you return to when life gets loud and decision-making gets hard.

It gives you a reference point for making decisions, setting boundaries, choosing relationships, and deciding what actually deserves your energy.  And here's the question that helps you answer every single time you're not sure what to do.  Does this choice move me closer to the life I want to build or further away from it?

That question shifts everything. Instead of what should I do,  you start asking what aligns with who I am and who I'm becoming.  That is a completely different conversation, and it leads to completely different decisions.  The shift from reacting to choosing, that's where your power lives.  Let's put it in action.  Look at those three words you wrote a moment ago. Circle the one that feels most non-negotiable right now, the one you'd feel most at odds with yourself for betraying.  That's an anchor value. That's the start of your compass. 

Four Ways to Rediscover

Now, here's where we get practical. Reconnecting with your values isn't about sitting down with a list of two hundred options and picking your favorites. That's an exercise.  What I'm talking about is a rediscovery.  Here are four places to start. Grab a journal or a piece of paper if you have one nearby. 

Number one,  look at what's hurt the most.  Our deepest pain is often a direct signal about our deepest values. If betrayal gutted you, loyalty matters to you. If being unseen devastated you, authenticity is a core value. If losing your independence terrified you, freedom is central to who you are. Your wounds are data. Use them. 

Number two, look at what's brought you to life.  Even in the hardest seasons, there are moments that felt right, a conversation that lit you up,  a project that made time disappear,  a choice that left you feeling aligned even when it cost you something.  What do those moments have in common? That's a thread worth following. 

Number three:  notice what creates resentment.  Resentment isn't a character flaw. It's usually a signal that you've been consistently violating one of your own values, often in service of someone else's needs or expectations.  Pay attention to where the resentment shows up. It'll point you directly toward a value you've been neglecting. 

Number four: ask what you want your life to stand for, not what you want to achieve, not what you want others to say about you. What do you want your choices, your time, and your energy to reflect? Start there. Write it down. Don't edit yourself.

Let's put it in action.  Pick one of these four entry points, just one, and spend five minutes with it today.  Write whatever comes up. Don't try to make it tidy. You're not writing a final answer.  You're starting a conversation with yourself that's been on hold for too long. 

Six Decision Questions

Once you have a clearer sense of your anchor values, you can start using them as a filter for every decision you face.  Values-led living doesn't mean ignoring responsibilities, money,  health limitations, or timing. Life is real.

Constraints exist. It means allowing meaning and personal truth to have a place beside practical concerns, not buried underneath them.  When you face a decision, big or small, pause before you automatically respond. That pause breaks the pattern of reaction and creates space for intention.  Then work through these six questions.

Number one, does this choice honor one or more of my anchor values? Not, is this a good idea or is this a safe choice? Does it align with what I actually value? 

Number two, am I choosing this because I want it or because I believe I should?  Should carries the weight of other people's expectations, old stories, and fear. When you're in should mode, slow down.  That's rarely your value speaking. 

Number three: Does this move me closer to the woman I'm becoming? You're not going back. Your decisions can either resist that reality or build toward it. 

Number four: Will this create greater alignment or greater resentment?  Some decisions look good on paper but will cost you something essential. Pay attention to that cost before you say yes. 

Number five: What would I choose if fear, guilt, or other people's opinions weren't making the decision? Strip away the noise. What do you actually want? 

And number six: What practical reality must I consider without allowing it to become my only consideration?   Honor your real-world constraints without surrendering to them. They don't have to be the only voice in the room.   These questions won't always give you an easy answer, but they will give you an honest one.

Let's put it in action. Think of one decision you've been putting off or going back and forth on. Run it through question five: What would I choose if fear, guilt, and other people's opinions weren't making the decision?  Write down whatever comes up without editing it. That's not the final answer, but it might be the most honest one you've had in a while.

Two Daily Anchors

Before we close, here are two questions I come back to again and again, especially when I feel stuck or unsure.  Question number one: What is one values-aligned choice I can make today, one I actually can make, that moves me one step closer to the life I want?  Question number two: What support do I need to follow through?

Support can look like a friend who won't judge you, a coach, a community, someone who checks in and asks, "Did you take that step?"  You were never meant to do hard things alone. 

Recap and Next Steps

Let's recap what we covered today. After a major life change, it's common to feel disconnected from yourself, not because you're broken, but because you've lost the internal framework you were using to make decisions.

Time alone won't rebuild that. Reconnecting with your values will.  The Values Compass™  part of Phase 1 of the iCope2Hope System™ gives you a personal reference point for every decision, boundary, and choice ahead.  To begin reconnecting, look at what's hurt the most, what's brought you to life, what creates resentment, and what you want your life to stand for.

When you face a decision, pause and run it through the six values-led questions.  The most important one: What would I choose if fear, guilt, and other people's opinions weren't making the decision?  And your action step: Choose one of the four entry points and spend five minutes with it today. Write down what comes up. Don't edit, just start. 

Closing Encouragement

If you're somewhere in the middle of the hardest chapter of your life, I want you to hear this. You're not behind. Your values didn't leave you when your life changed. They went underground, waiting for you to come back to them.  You survived everything you've been through. You don't have to settle for a life that doesn't reflect who you actually are. You get to build something better,  and your values are how you find your way there.

Share and Workshop Invite

If this episode helped you, please share it with three people who need to hear it today. Leave a review and connect with me online at iCope2Hope.com.  If you're ready to take your first step, I'd love to have you join me for the next Begin Again™ Workshop. It's a live session on Zoom where we do this work together: identifying your anchor values, building your personal values compass, and taking your first intentional steps forward.

The link is in the show notes. And don't forget to grab your free guide, Reframe the Spiral: 5 Quick Coping Strategies to Shift Negative Thoughts and Reclaim Your Day. That link is in the show notes too.  

Until next time, adversity can make you bitter or better. Choose better! You've got this!