Flourishing After Adversity

S2:E29 Stop Waiting to Be Saved - Create the Life You Want

• Laura Broome

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0:00 | 17:55

Three Red Flags Keeping You Stuck in Hard Seasons (and How to Flip the Script)

Laura Mangum Broome welcomes listeners to Flourishing After Adversity and shares how, after her 27-year marriage ended suddenly following earlier losses and serious illness, she realized her “waiting” wasn’t healing but hiding. She names three common “red flags” that keep women stuck when gratitude feels impossible: making the drama the identity, spending energy on what can’t be controlled, and waiting to be saved by someone or something external. 

She explains how these patterns block presence, hope, and change, then offers three practical shifts: get outside yourself by giving one small act of care to someone else, practice real gratitude by naming one specific true thing you noticed each day, and build hope through action by taking one micro step within 24 hours toward the life you want while asking what this season might be making possible.

00:00 When Gratitude Feels Cruel
00:51 Welcome and Free Resource
01:38 My Hard Season Story
02:39 The Question That Shifted Me
03:32 Red Flag One Drama Identity
05:45 Red Flag Two Control Trap
07:41 Red Flag Three Waiting Rescue
09:43 Flip the Script Three Steps
09:54 Step One Give to Others
11:30 Step Two One True Gratitude
13:13 Step Three Micro Steps Hope
15:24 Recap and Encouragement
17:11 Closing and Next Steps

When Gratitude Feels Cruel

Have you ever been so deep in the middle of a hard season that gratitude felt like a cruel joke?  Have you ever caught yourself rehearsing what happened over and over to anyone who would listen and wondered why nothing in your life was actually changing?  Or maybe you've been waiting, waiting for the right moment, the right person, the right sign, believing that once someone shows up and fixes things, then you'll be ready to move forward.

If any of that sounds familiar, today's episode is for you because I've been there, and I've walked alongside enough women in hard seasons to know this:  The patterns keeping you stuck aren't character flaws. They're warning signs, and once you can name them, you can change them.  That's what we're talking about today. 

Welcome and Free Resource

Welcome to the Flourishing After Adversity podcast. I'm your host, Laura Mangum Broome.  If you've been knocked down by life--grief, illness, loss, divorce, or unexpected change--you're in the right place. Here, we turn setbacks into stepping stones because healing, growth, and joy are not out of reach. They're available to you even in this season. 

 Before we dive in, if you ever find yourself caught in loops of worry, self-doubt, or mental exhaustion after a hard season, I created a free resource called Reframe the Spiral: 5 Quick Coping Strategies to Shift Negative Thoughts and Reclaim Your Day. You'll find the link in the show notes.

My Hard Season Story

I want to start with something I've never said quite this directly.   After 27 years of marriage ended suddenly,  I was exhausted in a way I hadn't expected.  I had already been through the loss of my son, my father, breast cancer, a heart transplant, and now betrayal and humiliation. No one saw it coming, not even me.  At some point, the grief started to feel like a full-time job.   I talked about the betrayal constantly to a few close family members.

I replayed what had gone wrong. I spent enormous energy analyzing the things I couldn't change, decisions that had already been made,  people who had moved on with their lives effortlessly.  And somewhere in all that, I caught myself waiting, waiting to feel better, waiting for someone to acknowledge how hard it had been, waiting for some external sign that it was finally okay to begin.

The Question That Shifted Me

Here's what I know now that I didn't know then. The waiting wasn't healing. It was hiding.  Not because the pain wasn't real, it was, but because I had let the pain become the whole story.  And as long as that story was running on repeat, there was no room for anything new to grow.  The shift didn't come from a single breakthrough.

It came from a small, uncomfortable question I finally asked myself:  What am I actually in control of right now?  Not what happened, not who was at fault,  not what should've been different.  Just what can I actually do today with what I have?  That question cracked things open, and it's the same question I want to bring to you today because wherever you are in your setback, the answer is still available to you.

Red Flag One Drama Identity

Before we get into what works, we need to name what doesn't. There are three patterns I see consistently in women who are struggling to find even the smallest gratitude or hope during hard seasons.  I call these red flags, not to shame anyone,  but to get your attention, because naming a pattern is the first step to breaking it.

Red flag number one:  The drama has become the identity.  There's a season when talking about what happened is necessary. It's part of processing.  It's part of being seen and heard. That season is healthy and real. But for some people, that season never ends. The story of what happened becomes the answer to every question.

The loss, the betrayal, the hardship, it gets pulled into every conversation, every social media post, every relationship. The pain isn't being processed anymore. It's being performed.  When that happens, gratitude becomes nearly impossible because gratitude requires presence. It requires a moment of looking at what is,  not staying locked inside what was. Drama, by design, keeps you anchored in the past. 

Here's why it happens. Staying in the story can feel safe. It explains things. It garners empathy. It gives a reason for why life hasn't moved forward.  The identity of a person who suffered this terrible thing becomes more familiar  and sometimes more comfortable than the identity of a person who is building something new.

It's a coping mechanism that has outlived its usefulness.  Ask yourself,  do you retell the story more often than you ask, "What do I want next?" Is your hardship your primary introduction to someone? Do you feel dismissed or irritated when someone redirects toward solutions or forward movement?  If yes, recognize it, not to shame yourself, but to name it. The story shaped you. It doesn't have to define you. 

Red Flag Two Control Trap

Red flag number two: All your energy is going toward what you can't control.  When life falls apart, the instinct to fix things is completely healthy.

What isn't healthy is when all that fixing energy  is aimed at everything except what you can actually change.  This looks like obsessing over what someone else should have done, replaying a decision someone else made,  waiting for an apology that may never come,  demanding the world acknowledge the unfairness of your situation before you can take a single step forward.

It feels productive, but it isn't. It's a psychological equivalent of pushing against a locked door when there's an open window two feet away.  Here's the truth about why we do it: Loss creates powerlessness, and powerlessness is terrifying, so the brain compensates by hyper-focusing, as if analyzing the uncontrollable thing hard enough will eventually give you power over it. It won't, but the false sense of effort feels better than accepting what can't be changed. 

Gratitude can't thrive in a mind fully occupied with what's broken and who broke it.  It needs at least a small opening, a moment of, "Yes, this happened, and there's still something here worth noticing."  that opening doesn't exist when every bit of your attention is aimed at what you can't control. 

Ask yourself, is your daily mental energy dominated by other people's choices and past events?  Does it feel like you're working on things, but nothing in your life is actually changing?  Are you waiting for someone to acknowledge the unfairness before you take your next step? If yes, recognize it. You can't control what broke you.  You can control what you build next. 

Red Flag Three Waiting Rescue

Red flag number three  You're waiting to be saved.  This one is the most subtle and the most painful to name.  It shows up as waiting for the right moment, the right person, the right sign, believing that once someone validates you, rescue yous, or fixes a circumstance, then you'll feel hope, then you'll find something to be grateful for, then you'll start.

But that moment never comes, not because help isn't available, it is. Not because community and support don't matter, they do.  The problem is that waiting for rescue keeps you in a passive relationship with your own life.  Hope built on someone else's action is fragile. It disappears the moment that person disappoints you, leaves, or simply can't carry the weight you've placed on them.

Here's what I know for certain: gratitude and hope at their core are self-generated. They aren't delivered to you. They're cultivated, one small intentional act at a time.  And here's why the waiting happens.  When you've been through enough pain, letting yourself hope feels dangerous. If hope means taking action, and action might fail, staying passive can feel like protection.

Waiting for someone else to move first means you're never responsible if it doesn't work out.  But protection from risk is also protection from progress.  Ask yourself, do you believe change depends on someone else moving first? Do you feel resentful that no one has shown up for you the way you need?  Do you have a running list of conditions that must be met before you begin?

If yes, recognize it. No one is coming to save you from your own life. That's not abandonment. That's empowerment. You are the one with the power to begin. 

Flip the Script Three Steps

I want to share with you how to flip the script. Recognizing a pattern isn't enough. Recognition without action is just sophisticated complaining.

Step 1 Give to Others

Here's how to actually shift today with three practical steps   Step 1: Get outside yourself by giving to someone else. I know how this sounds. When you're in pain, "Go help someone else" can feel dismissive, even offensive.

But studies show that one of the fastest ways to interrupt a downward spiral is to shift your focus outward.  Not because your pain isn't real, it is. But isolation amplifies pain. Contribution contextualizes it. 

When you act as a resource for someone else,  Something genuinely shifts.   You're no longer only the person who lost. You're also the person who gives.  That identity carries power. It reminds you that the hardship didn't hollow you out completely.  Helping others isn't a distraction from healing.

Done with intention, it is part of the healing. You don't need to run a nonprofit. You don't need to be over it. Start small.  Send a text to someone you've been meaning to check on. Leave a genuine, encouraging comment on someone's post. Donate an hour to a cause you care about. Cook a meal for a neighbor who's struggling.  Write a handwritten note to someone who once helped you.  Here's a reflection prompt:  Who in my life could use one small act of care from me this week?  And what's one specific thing I can do?  Don't overthink it. Just pick one person and one action.

Step 2 One True Gratitude

Step 2: Find one small gratitude every day and actually mean it.   Gratitude lists have gotten a bad reputation, not because the concept is wrong, but because the practice has been watered down into going through the motion.  Writing, "I'm grateful for my house, my health, and my coffee" every morning while feeling hollow inside isn't gratitude practice.

It's a checkbox.  Real gratitude is specific and present. So stop reaching for the big things. Health, family, and shelter are real, but they're abstract when you're in pain. They feel like obligations rather than genuine moments of thankfulness.  Start with the smallest true thing. What actually made you pause today, even for a second?

The way morning light hit a window,  making it through a hard conversation,  a text from someone who remembered you,  the first sip of something warm,  the moment your body unclenched, just slightly.  Say it out loud or write it down, not because it'll instantly transform your mood. It probably won't at first.

But naming something real redirects your brain's attention. Over time, it begins to look for more of what you deliberately notice.  Start with one, just one, and mean it. That search alone is a form of hope.  Here's your reflection prompt:  What is one specific small thing from today, however minor, that I can honestly say I noticed or appreciated?  Write it down before bed tonight. Just one true thing. 

Step 3 Micro Steps Hope

Step 3: Build an action-oriented, hopeful attitude.  Here's the core truth I come back to in everything I teach.  Hope isn't a feeling you wait for. It's a posture you choose and then back up with action.  Time alone doesn't rebuild identity. Grief alone doesn't create a new chapter.

Surviving isn't the same as moving through. What creates transformation is intentional, consistent action, even when it's small, even when you're not ready, even when you're not sure it'll work.  You don't have to feel hopeful to act hopeful. Action comes before the feeling. You take the step. The step builds evidence. The evidence builds the feeling. That's how it actually works. 

This is where the second phase of The iCope2Hope System™, Clear Direction™, begins to take shape. You can't build clear direction while you're standing still. You build it by moving, even before you feel sure.  Pick one daily micro step,  Something genuinely small that moves you toward the life you want rather than deeper into the one you're leaving.

Make a call you've been avoiding. Read one page of a book that might help. Take a walk without your phone.   Draft one paragraph of what you want your life to look like.  And when you're choosing that step, ask yourself this: What is this season making possible that wasn't possible before?

Divorce creates space. Illness creates perspective. Loss creates clarity about what actually matters.  These aren't silver linings designed to minimize pain.  There are real available openings if you're willing to look.  Your reflection prompt is: What is one micro step I can take in the next 24 hours that moves me toward the life I want?  And what is one thing my current circumstance might actually be making possible?  Write both answers down, then take the step. 

 Recap and Encouragement

Let's recap what we covered today.  When setbacks hit, three patterns can quietly keep us stuck: making the drama our identity,  pouring all our energy into what we can't control,  and waiting to be saved by someone or something outside ourselves.

These patterns aren't character flaws. They're warning signs that pain has shifted from something we're moving through to something we're living inside of.  The flip starts with three practical shifts: getting outside yourself by giving to someone else, finding one specific and true thing to be grateful for each day, and building an action-oriented, hopeful attitude one micro step at a time.  Hope isn't delivered, it's cultivated, and it starts before the feeling arrives.  You don't have to have it figured out. You don't have to feel ready. You just have to begin. 

If you're in a season where gratitude feels impossible and hope feels out of reach, I want you to hear this. You're not broken. You're in pain.

And the strategies you reach for to survive, the story, the anger at what you couldn't control, the waiting, they made sense at the time. They kept you going, but they've done their job, and it's time for something new.  The life you want isn't waiting on a rescue. It's waiting on a decision. Not a perfect decision, not a big one, just one small step in the right direction today. Not moving on, moving through with intention.  You're right where you need to be. Growth happens one step at a time. 

Closing and Next Steps

Thank you for listening to the Flourishing After Adversity podcast. If this episode resonated with you, share it with someone who's stuck in a hard season and could use this message. Leave a review. It helps more women find this community. And connect with me at iCope2Hope.com. The link is in the show notes. 

Don't forget to grab your free guide, Reframe the Spiral: 5 Quick Coping Strategies to Shift Negative Thoughts and Reclaim Your Day. The link is in the show notes, along with other free resources. 

Until next time, adversity can make you bitter or better. Choose better! You've got this!