Flourishing After Adversity

S2:E22 The Hardship Autopsy: How to Identify Necessary Endings and Move Forward

• Laura Broome

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Necessary Endings: Use a Hardship Autopsy to Move Forward

Laura Mangum Broome explains that after surviving hardship, people can stay stuck by carrying forward people, habits, environments, or patterns that no longer fit, calling these “necessary endings.” She introduces a “hardship autopsy” as a practical, non-blaming tool to gain clarity and move forward intentionally by journaling through three questions: what brought you to the situation (including ignored red flags), who or what is primarily involved (relationships, environments, habits, thought patterns), and what is in your control, influence, or out of your control using a three-column “control map.” 

She adds resilience tips: do an energy audit after interactions, avoid making permanent decisions in temporary emotional states by giving yourself time to observe, and let your body’s signals guide you. She invites listeners to share the episode, visit iCope2Hope.com, and download the free “Reframe the Spiral” guide.

00:00 Feeling Stuck After Hardship
01:12 Necessary Endings Explained
02:27 Hardship Autopsy Method
03:19 Question One Root Causes
04:36 Question Two Key Players
05:47 Question Three Control Map
07:35 Why Inventory Matters
08:41 Three Resilience Tips
10:37 Recap And Next Steps
11:49 Closing And Resources

Schedule a free 15-minute Clarity Call with Laura: https://bit.ly/15mincallLMB 

Feeling Stuck After Hardship

Have you ever made it through something really hard and still felt stuck?  You survived the hardship, but somehow things still aren't working.   If that's you, today's episode may be the missing piece.  We're talking about something called necessary endings, and the most practical tool I know for finding them is the hardship autopsy.

Welcome to the Flourishing After Adversity podcast. I'm your host, Laura Mangum Broome.  If you've been knocked down by life--grief, illness, loss, or unexpected change, you're in the right place. Here, we turn setbacks into stepping stones because healing, growth, and joy are not out of reach. They're available to you even in the toughest seasons.

 Before we begin, if you ever felt overwhelmed by negative thoughts after a setback, caught in loops of worry, self-doubt, or mental exhaustion, I created a free resource for you called Reframe the Spiral: 5 Quick Coping Strategies to Shift Negative Thoughts and Reclaim Your Day. You'll find the link in the show notes. 

Necessary Endings Explained

Imagine dragging a suitcase through every season of your life, continually throwing things inside you think are important.

Some of what you're carrying made sense years ago. Some of it was never really yours  to carry,  and you've never once stopped to open it and take inventory of it all.   That's what most of us do with our lives during hardship.

We keep moving, we keep carrying, and we wonder why we're exhausted.  Here's something you don't think about when you're in the middle of a hard season:  Not everything that was in your life before belongs in your life going forward.  Some of the people in your life, habits, environments, and patterns were contributing to your pain before you even knew it.

And holding onto them out of loyalty, fear, or comfort can keep you stuck long after the hardship itself is over.  These are called necessary endings.  A necessary ending isn't about blame.  It's not about punishing yourself or cutting people off in anger. It's about clarity. It's about being honest with yourself, maybe for the first time, about what's truly aligned with who you are and where you need to go.

Hardship Autopsy Method

And the most practical way to find them?  Do an autopsy on your hardship.  I know that sounds strange. Bear with me, because this tool is one of the most powerful ones I use with coaching clients, and it works. 

Think of this like a detective examining a scene, not to assign guilt, but to understand what happened and why.  A detective doesn't walk into a scene and start blaming people before they have the facts. They gather evidence. They look for patterns. They ask hard questions with an open mind.  That's exactly what you're going to do with your hardship. You're not here to shame yourself. You're not here to argue the past.  You're here to see clearly so you can move forward with intention instead of just reaction. 

Question One: Root Causes

Pull out a journal or a blank sheet of paper and work through these three questions honestly for your hardship autopsy. 

Question number one:  What brought me to this situation?  Look back without judgment. What circumstances, choices, relationships, or environments contributed to this hardship?  Were there warning signs you ignored?  Patterns you repeated?  Situations you stayed in too long, not because you didn't know, but because leaving felt harder than staying?  I want you to sit with this question honestly, not to punish yourself, but to understand yourself.

Because here's what I've discovered through my own experience. Most hardships don't come out of nowhere. There were cracks before the collapse, and understanding those cracks, or what I prefer to call red flags, is what keeps them from reappearing.  Here's a reflection prompt to get you started.  If a trusted friend watched a replay of the last 12 months of your life, what patterns or red flags would they point out?  Write that down. That one question has a way of surfacing things you've been avoiding. 

Question Two: Key Players

Question two:  Who or what is primarily involved?  Now name the people, places, and things that show up repeatedly in this chapter of your story.  I want you to be specific here.

This might include relationships that drain more than they restore,  work or home environments that keep you in survival mode,  habits or routines that no longer serve the person you're becoming,  thought patterns that feel like truth but are actually old stories you've been telling yourself for years.

Some of these are necessary endings, not punishments, not dramatic exits, just honest assessments.  And I want to say something important here.  A necessary ending doesn't always mean a forever ending.  Sometimes it's a boundary. Sometimes it's distance. Sometimes it's a conversation that's been long overdue,  but it starts with being honest enough to name what's there.  Here's a reflection prompt to get you started.  Which person, place, or habit is making it harder for you to move forward? 

Question Three: Control Map

And question number three:  What is in my control or influence to change?  This is where your power lives. You cannot control what happened. You cannot control other people's choices, but you can decide what you will carry forward and what you leave behind.

I use a tool I call the control map for this, and it's simple.  On your piece of paper, make three columns.  On the left column, write, "In my control."  These are your mindset, your responses, your boundaries, your next action steps.  In the middle column, write, "In my influence."  These are some of your relationships, some environments, some habits if you're willing to put in the work  On the right column, write "Out of my control".  These are other people's actions and opinions, the past, the future, external circumstances you can't change. 

Here's the key: focus your energy on the first two columns, in my control and in my influence. That's where change actually happens, not in arguing with what can't be changed, not in waiting for someone else to move first.

From my experience, reality has been undefeated one hundred percent of the time.  Change actually happens in deciding what you will do next.  Here's a reflection prompt to get you started.  What's one necessary ending you've been avoiding, and what is it actually costing you?  That last question matters  because you often don't let go of things until you're honest about the price you're paying to keep them. 

Why Inventory Matters

Let me tell you why this kind of inventory is so important.  Hardship has a way of revealing what's real, the people who show up, the values that hold, the habits that help and the ones that hurt,  and the things you've been tolerating that no longer fit who you're becoming.

My iCope2Hope resilience framework starts here with radical acceptance and a growth mindset.  That means accepting the reality of what is, not what you wish it was, and choosing to grow from it rather than around it. You can't build a new chapter on a foundation that crumbled.  Some things have to end for a time or for good, so something better can begin.

And the reason this is so hard for most people isn't that they don't know something needs to change, it's that change feels like loss.   Even when what you're releasing wasn't good for you, letting it go still hurts.  It doesn't mean you're making the wrong call. It means you're human.   

Three Resilience Tips

Before we close, I want to give you three resilience tips connected to today's topic that go beyond the hardship autopsy itself.  Tip number one, do an energy audit.  Not everything harmful is obvious. Some things drain you quietly.   After each interaction or environment this week,  ask yourself one question: Did that give me energy or take it?  You don't need a diagnosis to know something is costing you more than it's worth. Your energy is data. Pay attention to it. 

Tip number two: Don't make permanent decisions in temporary emotional states.  When you're in the middle of a hardship, everything feels urgent. Your brain is in threat mode, and threat mode wants answers now. But some of the most important decisions you'll ever make, who stays, what ends, what comes next,  deserve more than a reaction.

Give yourself a clear window. Two weeks, thirty days, whatever fits your situation.  Observe. Name it.  Journal. Notice.  Then decide. You're not stalling, you're being wise. There's a difference between avoiding a necessary ending and taking the time to make sure you're choosing from clarity, not fear. 

And tip number three: Let your body weigh in.  Your mind will rationalize, your body won't. Before you decide whether something is a necessary ending, notice how you feel physically before engaging with that person, place, or habit, and after.  Tension, dread, exhaustion, or relief are honest signals to pay attention to.  Your nervous system has been tracking this longer than your conscious mind has. Trust it 

Recap And Next Steps

Let's recap what we covered today. Not everything from before your hardship belongs in your life going forward. Some things need a necessary ending.  A hardship autopsy isn't about blame, it's about seeing clearly.  Question number one: What brought me to this situation?  Question number two: Who or what is primarily involved?  And question number three: What is in my control or influence to change, and what is not? Use your control map.  Bonus tips. Do a quick energy audit. Don't make permanent decisions in temporary emotional states, and let your body weigh in. 

If you're in a season right now where something needs to end, but you've been holding on,  I want you to hear this.  Letting go is not giving up. It's making room. You don't have to know what comes next to take the first step.  You just have to be honest about what's no longer working and make one decision from there.  You're right where you need to be. Growth happens one step at a time. 

Closing And Resources

Thank you for listening to the Flourishing After Adversity podcast. If this episode helped you, please share it with three friends in need of hope. Leave a review or connect with me online at iCope2Hope.com. The link is in the show notes. And don't forget to download your free guide, Reframe the Spiral: 5 Quick Coping Strategies to Shift Negative Thoughts and Reclaim Your Day. The link is also in the show notes, as well as other free resources.  

Until next time, remember, adversity can make you bitter or better.  Choose better! You've got this!