S1 E28 How to Know If You're Self-Sabotaging Your Happiness

Overcoming Self-Sabotage: Aligning Values, Setting Boundaries, and Embracing Necessary Endings

In this episode of the Flourishing After Adversity podcast, host Laura Mangum Broome explores the concept of self-sabotage and provides insights on how to recognize and break free from this harmful pattern. 

Laura emphasizes the importance of aligning with core values, setting boundaries, and embracing necessary endings to foster joy and happiness. She shares practical steps to move forward, including increasing self-awareness, making small changes, and seeking support. Listeners are encouraged to download her free guide, Reframe the Spiral, to manage negative thoughts and reclaim their day.

00:00 Introduction: Understanding Self-Sabotage
00:22 Welcome to the Podcast
01:19 The Garden Analogy: Recognizing Self-Sabotage
02:40 Core Values: The Foundation of Happiness
04:53 Setting Boundaries: Protecting Your Joy
06:43 Necessary Endings: Embracing New Beginnings
09:00 Steps to Overcome Self-Sabotage
09:49 Recap and Final Thoughts
10:24 Closing Remarks and Call to Action

Free Resource: Reframe the Spiral: 5 Quick Coping Strategies to Shift Negative Thoughts and Reclaim Your Day https://www.icope2hope.com/reframe

iCope2Hope 3-Step Resilience Framework: https://bit.ly/FrameworkRoadmap

Website: iCope2Hope: From Hardship to Hope https://www.icope2hope.com

Move Beyond Adversity Blog:  https://www.icope2hope.com/blog

Free Newsletter: Wednesday’s Resilient Recharge https://www.icope2hope.com/newsletter

Schedule a free 15-minute Clarity Call with Laura: https://bit.ly/15mincallLMB 

Transcript

 Ever feel like you're doing everything right, but something still feels off. Let's talk about why today's episode is a tender one, because we're digging into something we all do. Self-sabotage,  and more importantly, how to recognize it.

Stop it and step into the joy that's been reaching for you. 

Welcome to the Podcast

Welcome to the Flourishing After Adversity podcast. I'm your host, Laura Mangum Broome, resilience coach and author of Flourishing After Adversity.  If life has knocked you flat.  If you've walked through grief, illness, loss, betrayal, or unexpected change, this podcast is for you.

Together we turn setbacks into stepping stones. One honest, hopeful conversation at a time.   But before we dive in, if you've been overwhelmed by negative thoughts after a setback, I made something just for you. It's called Reframe the spiral. Five quick coping strategies to shift negative thoughts and reclaim your day.

These are the exact tools I still use on my hardest days, and I want you to have them too. You'll find the link in the show notes. 

Alright, let's get started. 

The Garden Analogy: Recognizing Self-Sabotage

I want you to picture something for a moment. Imagine you're tending a beautiful little garden. You've cleared the weeds, you've planted the seeds, you water, you watch, you wait.

You're doing everything right,  but without even noticing throughout  the day, you step on the very sprouts you're trying to grow.  Not on purpose. Not because you're careless, but because you're busy, tired, and you're on autopilot.  That's what self-sabotage feels like. You want joy, you want peace. You want a life that finally fits again,  but something inside you.

Usually an old belief or protective habit keeps trampling the hope. You're trying so hard to nurture, and most of the time you don't even see it happening. That's why today's episode matters, because the moment you can see the pattern, you could change it,  and it all begins with one simple question. Is this true?  Every act of self-sabotage starts with the false belief you've been treating like fact.  So today I'm walking you through three powerful areas  that reveal whether you're unintentionally working against your own happiness.

Core Values: The Foundation of Happiness

The first one is your core values. The second one is your boundaries, and the third your necessary endings.  Each one holds a clue. Each one gives you a choice, and each one can open the door to joy again. Let's take them one at a time.  When your core values are out of alignment,  think of your core values as the roots of your life.

They keep you grounded. They stabilize you. When everything around you changes,  they tell you the truth about who you are at your core.  But when your life drift away from those values, everything starts to feel off.  You may feel restless, irritable, confused, overwhelmed.

Empty, trapped,  chronically unsure of yourself. These feelings aren't failures. They're signals. They're the emotional equivalent of your roots tugging on your sleeve saying Something isn't right here.  Why do we drift from our values?  Not because we're weak, not because we're careless,  but because life gets noisy.

People need you. Responsibilities. Pile up other people's expectations, drown out your own voice, and slowly, unintentionally you begin to abandon what matters most to you.  Self-sabotage sneaks in with quiet, convincing thoughts like, I shouldn't want more. I should be grateful for what I have. It's selfish to choose what matters to me.

But here's what you need to hear. Honoring your values is not selfish. It's survival. It's self-respect, it's alignment.  Ask yourself this question, which core value have I been ignoring and how is it affecting my happiness?  Sit with it. Write it down. Let your truth speak because alignment brings peace.

Misalignment brings pain.   

Setting Boundaries: Protecting Your Joy

Let's talk boundaries. The quiet backbone of a joyful life.  Hear me say this, with love and clarity, you cannot flourish without boundaries. Not because boundaries keep people out, but because they keep you anchored. Boundaries say, this is okay with me. This is not okay with me.

This is what I can give right now. This is what I cannot give.  When you avoid setting boundaries or you abandon the ones you set, you unintentionally sabotage your own happiness.  How boundary issues become self-sabotage,  you stay quiet to avoid conflict.  You let people drain your energy.  Ignore red flags to keep the peace.

Overgive, hoping to earn approval.  Say it's fine. When it's not  tolerate behavior that chips away at your confidence.  And little by little, you disappear inside your own life.

Not because you don't know better, but because somewhere inside you may believe my needs don't matter as much. I don't wanna rock the boat.  If I speak up, someone will be disappointed.  I need you to hear this. Your happiness depends on your honesty. Your peace depends on your boundaries. Your future depends on your courage to choose you.

So ask yourself this question, where am I saying yes when my heart is begging me to say no?  Your no is not rejection. It's protection, it's clarity, it's self-respect, and yes, it's resilience. 

Necessary Endings: Embracing New Beginnings

Necessary endings, the doorway to new beginnings. This one is emotional. Sometimes this one is the hardest, but necessary.

Endings are a huge part of breaking self-sabotaging patterns  because not everything is meant to stay. And not everything is meant to follow you into your next chapter.  Sometimes we hold on because letting go feels too painful. Sometimes we stay because the unknown feels too scary.  Sometimes we keep old identities or relationships because they're familiar,  even if they're hurting us.

 But here's the truth you already know deep inside.  Holding on to what hurts will always sabotage your happiness.  Endings are not failures. They're not punishments, they're not signs. You've done something wrong. Endings are space makers. They create room for new beginnings, new peace, new purpose, and new joy.

What necessary endings look like?  It might be a friendship that no longer feels safe,  a relationship that drains you dry,  a habit that steals your peace,  a belief that shrinks your confidence,  a routine that keeps you stuck.  An excuse you've outgrown,  a story you've been telling yourself that no longer fits.

Letting go doesn't mean you're giving up. It means you're growing.  Ask yourself this question, what am I still holding onto, even though it's no longer helping me become who I want to be?  Let that question guide you because necessary endings lead to necessary beginnings,  how to move forward without sabotaging your happiness.

Self-sabotage is not a character flaw, it's a survival pattern.  It started as protection. It helped you through something hard. It kept you afloat when life was too heavy, but now  you're in a new season, you're ready for something better. You're ready for alignment, boundaries, and peace.

Steps to Overcome Self-Sabotage

Here are five simple steps to help you move forward.

Number one, notice without judgment   awareness is the beginning of freedom. Start with asking yourself, is this true? And see what opens.  Number two, get curious about your patterns.  Ask what that behavior is trying to protect you from.  Number three, make one small shift, not 10, only one.

Small shifts lead to big breakthroughs.  Number four.  Reach for support.  You don't have to do this alone. Support speeds healing.  Believe that change is possible for you because it absolutely is. 

Recap and Final Thoughts

Let's quickly recap today's episode. Self-sabotage, oftentimes in misalignment with your core values.

Lack of boundaries quietly drains your joy and confidence  necessary. Endings are often the key to breaking free and moving forward.  Your happiness is not out of reach. You're not behind and you're not too late. You're a person who's carried a lot and done the best you could with the tools you had. Now you're ready for something new.

You can do this!

Closing Remarks and Call to Action

If negative thoughts have been spiraling lately, don't forget to download my free guide. Reframe the Spiral. Five Quick coping strategies to shift negative Thoughts and reclaim your day. You deserve tools that support you gently and powerfully. The link is in the show notes.  All right.

That's it for today's episode. If this conversation helped you today, take two seconds to subscribe so you don't miss what's coming next, and it would mean the world to me if you'd rate or review the show. It helps more people find the hope they need. Better yet, please share this episode with three people you know in need of hope.

Until next time, remember, adversity can make you bitter or better choose better. You've got this!