S1:E10 When It's Time to Let Go: How to Spot Toxic Relationships

S1:E10 Necessary Endings: Identifying and Letting Go of Toxic Relationships

In this episode of the Flourishing After Adversity podcast, Resilience Coach and author Laura Mangum Broome discusses the concept of necessary endings in relationships. She explains how to recognize low quality connections that drain your energy and stunt personal growth. Laura shares personal experiences and introduces her iCope2Hope 3-Step Resilience Framework to help listeners let go of toxic relationships and make space for healthier connections. She also offers practical steps to navigate the process of ending detrimental relationships and emphasizes the importance of moving on to foster personal flourishing. Listeners are encouraged to download a free guide, 'Reframe the Spiral,' for additional support.

00:00 Introduction to Flourishing After Adversity
00:16 The Importance of Necessary Endings
00:51 Free Guide: Reframe the Spiral
01:21 The Garden Analogy: Pruning Relationships
02:10 Personal Story: Holding On to Familiarity
03:24 Identifying Low Quality Relationships
04:28 The Cost of Holding On
05:10 The Power of Necessary Endings
06:12 iCope2Hope 3-Step Resilience Framework
07:57 Building High Quality Relationships
08:29 Taking Action: Letting Go and Growing
10:07 Conclusion and Recap

Free Resource: Reframe the Spiral: 5 Quick Coping Strategies to Shift Negative Thoughts and Reclaim Your Day https://www.icope2hope.com/reframe

Website: iCope2Hope: From Hardship to Hope https://www.icope2hope.com

Move Beyond Adversity Blog: https://www.icope2hope.com/blog  

Transcript

S1:E10 When It's Time to Let Go: How to Spot Toxic Relationships


Welcome to the Flourishing After Adversity podcast. I'm your host, Laura Mangum Broome Resilience Coach and author of Flourishing After Adversity. If you've ever felt stuck in relationships that drain you dry, you're in the right place.

The Importance of Necessary Endings

Today we're talking about necessary endings and how to spot low quality connections that hold you back from healing and growing after life's hardest seasons.

Holding on can feel loyal, but letting go can be the kindest thing you can do for your future.  By the end of this episode, you'll know how to identify relationships that do more harm than good. What it really costs you to hold onto these types of relationships for too long, and the first steps you can take to make peace with letting go so healthier connections can grow in their place.

Free Guide: Reframe the Spiral

Before we dive in, if you're feeling trapped in spirals of self-doubt and overthinking, I have a free guide just for you. It's called Reframe the Spiral, 5 Quick Coping Strategies to Shift Negative Thoughts and Reclaim Your Day. These are the same tools I use myself when my mind won't settle.  You'll find the link in the show notes or go to iCope2Hope.com/reframe.

Download it and keep it close. 



The Garden Analogy: Pruning Relationships

Let's begin with a story. Picture your life as a garden. In this garden, you're tending flowers you planted with hope. But tucked among the blooms are some branches that look healthy until you lean closer and see their brittle, diseased. Draining life from the rest of the plant.  A good gardener knows what to do: prune it back. Make space for healthy branches to thrive.  Yet when it comes to people, we hesitate to prune. We tell ourselves to hold on just a little longer. Things might change.  We convince ourselves we're being loyal by staying connected, even when most conversations zap our energy. Why do we do this?

Why do we keep dead branches in our lives? I know why, because I did it too. 

Personal Story: Holding On to Familiarity

Familiar feels safer. Years ago, when my marriage suddenly ended after almost 30 years together, I was determined to hold onto something. I had already lost so much--my marriage, my sense of normal, my identity. I told myself I needed every friendship left standing, even the ones that no longer serve me.

But here's what I learned. Not every connection helps you heal. Some people keep you frozen in who you were. Not who you're growing into. When you cling to a low quality relationship out of fear, you stop the new growth waiting to bloom.

We usually try doing the same dance.

We chase people who don't show up for us. We shrink our needs to make them comfortable.  We settle for crumbs of support instead of the nourishing love we crave. We hope they'll change. And every time we wonder, "Is it my fault?" Listen to me carefully. It is not. 

Low quality relationships don't transform because you twist yourself into knots trying harder. Respect doesn't grow overnight in rocky soil, and toxicity doesn't heal when you stay silent about your pain.



Identifying Low Quality Relationships

How do you spot a low quality relationship?  How do you know when it's time to prune? Here are five signs to look for.  The first sign is you feel drained, not nourished. You dread interactions, you rehearse conversations in your head, hoping to keep the peace.  Number two.  You can't be your true self.

You hide your feelings, your beliefs, your needs, so you don't rock the boat.  Number three, it's one sided. You give your energy, your time, your listening ear, but it rarely comes back to you.  Number four, you feel worse after. There's drama, blame, guilt trips, or you're left feeling small.  And number five, you feel stuck.

Your growth feels stunted, like a plant in too small a pot.  If any of these sound familiar, breathe. You're not weak for seeing it. You're strong for identifying it. 

The Cost of Holding On

What's the real cost of holding on? Some people say, better the devil you know. But that devil has a cost. When you hold onto relationships that drain you, you pay with energy.

You feel exhausted instead of empowered. You pay with peace. You feel tangled in conflict instead of calm.  You pay with confidence. You question yourself instead of trusting your gut.  You pay with growth. You can't move forward when you're stuck repeating old patterns.  Finally you pay with hope. And maybe the hardest of all,  you block the path for healthy life-giving connections to grow. 

The Power of Necessary Endings

The important takeaway, what you don't end ends up ending you. 

Necessary endings are not failure, it's freedom. Pruning is wisdom. Think of a tree. When you cut back the dead branches, you protect the strong ones. You create room for new shoots to grow.

Necessary endings are the same. They honor the good that was. They protect the good that remains. When you say, "No more," you're saying yes to something better.  "But letting go isn't easy!" I hear you. I won't sugarcoat this. Letting go can hurt like grief.  You might feel guilt, fear, loneliness.

I did. You might hear that old inner voice whisper, "Maybe it is my fault." This is what I discovered. Endings and beginnings go together. When you close one door, you free yourself to open another. 

So how do you actually do it?

iCope2Hope 3-Step Resilience Framework

This is where my iCope2Hope 3-Step Resilience Framework comes in. The same framework I teach in my book, Flourishing After Adversity.

Step one, develop a growth mindset.  Shift from this ending means I failed to, this ending means I'm growing.  Ask what am I learning here?  What does this ending make space for?  What does it teach me about what I will and won't accept next time?  Radical acceptance is key. You cannot change someone else's behavior, but you can choose to set healthy boundaries or choose necessary endings.

That's what's in your control.  Step two, discover your strengths.  Necessary endings reveal courage you didn't know you had.  Ask, "What strengths got me this far?"  "What boundaries did I learn to hold?" "How can I use the same strength to nurture healthier connections?"  Sometimes your strength is honesty.

Sometimes it's compassion. Sometimes it's a willingness to standalone for a while, so you don't have to stand small forever.  And step three is think outside the box. Fear says: If I let go, I'll lose everything good. Hope says: If I let go, I make space for something better.  Ask, "What new people or communities can I open my life to now?"

"Who shares my values and wants to grow beside me?  Where can I invest my energy? Where it's welcomed and reciprocated."  You're not empty after pruning. You're fertile soil for better things to grow. 

Building High Quality Relationships

What do high quality relationships look like?  Now that you've cleared space? What type of relationships are you looking for?

Healthy connections support your growth. Respect your boundaries. Offer mutual care. Celebrate your wins and stand by you in loss. Make you feel seen safe. Loved. When you find these people, hold them close, but show up for them too. 

How do you put all this in action?

Taking Action: Letting Go and Growing

If you think it might be time to let go, here's where to begin.  Reflect honestly, where does this relationship feel unhealthy?  Decide what you need. More distance, firmer boundaries. A full goodbye.  Plan your words. Be clear. Be kind. Honor the good while protecting your peace.  Get support.

Trusted friends, a counselor or a coach can help you navigate it. You don't have to do this alone.  Grieve and grow. Even necessary endings bring grief. Feel it. Then open your hands to what's next.  I know the ache of endings. I know the fear of standing alone, but I also know this, what you release creates space for what's meant for you.

You are not too old. It's not too late. You can still flourish lighter, freer,  surrounded by people who lift you up, not weigh you down. If you're standing at a fork in the road right now, wondering if it's time to prune. Know this, you don't have to do it alone. If you'd like help figuring out what to prune, what to nurture, and how to grow stronger through it all, I'm here for you.

Schedule a free clarity call with me. Let's talk about your next chapter, and don't forget to download the "Reframe the Spiral" Guide in the show notes, or go to iCope2Hope.com/reframe. Keep it close. It's a lifeline for your thoughts and the days you feel tangled up. 

Conclusion and Recap

Let's do a quick recap. Today, we talked about how to spot low quality relationships, what it costs you to hold on, the power of necessary endings, and how to use the iCope2Hope framework to find your way through. 

Remember, pruning isn't punishment. It's protection.  It is an act of love for the parts of you still growing.  If this episode encouraged you, would you take a moment to subscribe, rate, or review this podcast?  It helps more people find hope when they need it most. Better yet, I would be grateful if you could share this episode with three people who are going through difficult circumstances.  Until next time. Remember, adversity can make you bitter or better, choose better. You've got this!